Question re: reparation from discipline audio

[areatha]

I have been listening to the Changing Face of Discipline audio download (as well as others). THey are an amazing resource. Thank you. I was very interested in the idea of reparation when a child hurts another's feelings, hits, etc. I have a 5 1/2 yr old girl, a 4 yr old boy and a 18 mo. boy. The two older ones are very close but recently, say the last six months, the 4 yr old has 'come into his own' a little bit more and is not as amenable to older sister's plans and ideas and the fireworks have begun. It can sometimes degenerate to hitting each other, loud claims of 'so-and-so started it....,' etc. In settling disputes I have felt nowhere near wise enough to find a solution. It seems this idea of reparation might be a good one but I can't find a way to try it. Maybe my imagination's just tapped out!? Anyone have any ideas? Plus, what about the times that Mom 'loses it' and snaps impatiently or unkindly? Would the reparations idea work there? Or what is the age-appropriate way to address that one? I have made the mistake in the past of being too 'head-ish' in making my amends. My goal was to have them see me work through it, etc. but now I can see that such an approach would call on them to be too much in their heads and their sense of 'I' to be appropriate for their age. I so appreciate the opportunity to share this and would welcome any input. THanks! Areatha

[Donna]

Sorry to have been so terribly slow getting back to you, Areatha. There have been some terrible conflicts at the high school where I teach so I've been up to my ears in that.

Anyway.... thank you for your kind words about the audio download! I am glad it has been helpful to you.

As always with little ones, prevention and forethought are the best roads to take. Maybe there are times when your big girl just needs her space and the middle child needs to be busy with you. And sometimes the other way round. And if there are any patterns, do watch for them and figure out how you can head them off (ie they always fight when playing with their zoo animals. In such a case, it might be best if you "set them up" - arranged a scene with them and got them started on their play together. Most little children, even siblings, do better when the adult sets them up with something. There's a great post on here somewhere from Lisa Marshall where she describes how she set up her daughters with laundry to wash - with a scrub board, tubs of soapy water, and a line and pegs to dry them - and how that kept them occupied for a long time.

Remember, they are still young enough that much of their experience of the world comes via and through you. When there is a space, a vacuum, that is when difficulties usually start (though not always). I am not saying that you should hover over them or stage manage what they do - but that your strong and peaceful presence is what gives them their peacefulness. Be proactive - "Mary, I need you to come here and chop carrots with me for supper."

And when you lose it? First - don't hate yourself for that. Take a deep breath when it happens. And don't apologize in such a way that you are laying your bad feelings onto them or expecting that they can deal with your explanation. It is far better to calm yourself and then say something general like "Whewf! I got really mad about that! Wow - I really lost my temper. I'm going to try not to do that again... So, time to set the table for supper....etc etc" Matter of fact, don't dwell on it.

If it was a really bad incident, give a heartfelt apology to your child when she is asleep. Talk to her angel. To talk to her directly, to talk to that little 5 year old girl would be laying too much on her - speak to her higher self which understands exactly why you lost it and is the place where forgiveness lies.

I have many entries on my blog about parenting little ones. Have you had a read of some of them? They might help. Do post again if you need more - but let's take it to the Early Years sub forum.

Apologies again for leaving this so long.:)

[areatha]

Donna,
I apologize for not acknowledging your very thoughtful response in a more timely manner. I have not felt like I had my wits about me(due to lack of sleep) and made the mistake of waiting until I cound think (ha!).

I love your suggestions of being more proactive and forming their space. As a veteran and burn-out victim of attempted unschooling/attachment parenting, this is a new and very welcome way of thinking. It makes a lot more sense. That being said, there's definitely a learning curve for me and a debriefing period for them. My daughter is one who responded to all of the excessive talking, explaining, etc. as if she understood and she reflected it all back to us so we thought all was well. She's very verbal and started talking at about 10 months. My 4 yrold son reflects back alright, but in a way that shows he's not buying any of it! He's very sensitive, gets very easily upset and then doesn't know what to do with his hurt - he throws his limbs about, says the most hurtful things he can think of (I'm mad at you. I'm never going to talk to you ever, ever, ever....), is very defiant toward me. So, I can see how I could have probably prevented much of it, but now that this is where we are, I don't know what to do in the moment. I can't, obviously, let him hit or behave inappropriately with his sister or baby brother. I've tried taking him to my version of time-out - I go with him and just hold him and, now that I know better, I keep my mouth shut. When he feels better, we go out. However, I can't near always actually do this because it involves leaving my 5 1/2 year old watching my 19 month old, if he's not sleeping(with the door open so I can hear if I'm needed, etc. but still certainly not the best idea.....).

So, I'm beginning to address our general arythmia(sp?) and chaos, bringing a little more form to our days and I can tell a positive difference already. I still have a terrible tendency to talk too much! I don't know if it's possible to 'dumb down' (perhaps a terrible choice of wording, but 'breathe into what I might mean by that' ;) ) my little girl and rescue the last year to year-and-a-half of her childhood and I want help reframe whatever's happening with my 4yrold. I was reading last night in your kindergarten book (which I received yesterday, thank you very much!) and I esp appreciated your point 'children are not essentially good or bad, but live in relationship to these qualities.' I don't want to think of my little boy's behavior as bad or give him the idea he's bad. I'm just a little at sea. I've spent a lot of parenting energy trying to not be authoritarian and have erred on the rousseau end of things. Now I just can't see how to get from where I am to where I'd like to be.

Oops, I just realized that I needed to have written all of this in the Early Years subforum. Sorry. I'll move there next time.

Again, THANK YOU,
Areatha